Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Language Police

The domestic spies unleashed by the Cheney branch of government to examine your electronic communications use two major analysis programs called Echelon and Carnivore. They search for "keywords" in your emails, text messaging, and phone calls that can determine whether you are a terrorist and need to be put on the watch list. The word "terrorist" itself is prominent on the list, as are "jihad," "Texas," and the Sears Tower. Then there are serious words, like "charcoal," and "Zen." They finally busted the Born-Again Hippie blog for using too many "hot" words, and I agreed to cut a deal with the Feds. I get to keep writing if I will announce the official, 2007, list of words and phrases that the Language Police have designated for elimination. I'm just the messenger.

"That's the $64,000 question"
The show's been over for forty years already. Some say the "$64 question." Before you can use this metaphor, you must be old enough to have seen the program.

"Pushing the envelope"
Sounded clever when Chuck Yeager said it back in the fifties. They make bigger envelopes now.

"See what I'm saying?"
No, I don't see what you're saying because I'm not a lip reader. I do, however, hear what you're saying.

"At the end of the day"
In the final analysis, and when all is said and done, ultimately, at the end of the day is the beginning of the night.

"Think outside the box"
Instead of stink inside the box. Akin to "pushing the envelope," except we used to call this "abstract thinking." This also applies to "coloring outside the lines."

"Awesome"
If everything is awesome, nothing is awesome.

"Let's see if I've got this right"
Beware: Sarcasm ahead.

"Family values"
Often promoted as a "Father Knows Best" world-view by Republicans living in a Caligula reality.

"Global War on Terror" and "Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Totalitarian Bushspeak for a war franchise for profiteers without end, and what used to be known as "bombs."

"As we speak"
Usually the person who says this is the only one speaking. "Now" will suffice and it saves you two words. And finally....

"Don't hold your breath"
What if I'm under water?

Now get out there and do your part. Clearly, at the end of the day, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that some phrases need to be hunted down and smoked out in a responsible manner. But not on my watch, and that's the bottom line.

9 comments:

Jane said...

Let's see if I've got this right....if you think outside the box, then at the end of the day, you'll find yourself pushing the envelope . As we speak, there are those who talk about the global war on terror and weapons of mass destruction, but, should be concerned about the 64,000 question....which is??? Well, it would be awesome to hear talk about family values, but don't hold your breath. You see what I'm saying????

randy said...

Damn Skippy. Jane, that was great.

Anonymous said...

I'm kinda dense, so bear with me. Are you serious about being busted by the Thought/Word Police or are you writing satirically? If you are serious, I'm ready to go to war with you (is the word 'war' on the no-no list?).

Cousin Cliff said...

Anonymous 1:29:

You might not need to go to war over the Thought/Word Police, but you should fear the Dream Police.

The dream police, they live inside of your head. The dream police, they come to you in your bed. The dream police, they're coming to arrest you, oh no.

Sorry, but I could not resist the Cheap Trick!

Enjoyable post.

Word! But if you are going to face the music, at least give it 110%. You go, girl! Beam me up, Scotty. And that's all she wrote.

ghg said...

Ok, folks. Randy's concern, legitimate or sardonic, is something that has been on my mind lately. I routinely send my comments to various blogs on thehuffingtonpost.com, and via that platform to other links including the Cheney Impeachment link at which I made a financial donation. With the sophistication that we are seeing in investigations in Congress and with the ability of large data banks to be contained and strained with ease I have no doubt that a hell of a lot on our Internet is in those banks, and that without too much of a stretch would contain all the names of people who suggested that Cheney or Bush should be flogged, impeached, drowned, aided in their passage to the next life, etc., and that those internet writers could be easily branded by the right ideological demons to be "dangerous"......and be placed in some holding information bank, maybe like the one that has the names of who knows how many people of Middle Eastern descent in it after 9/11.

I do not believe I am being paranoid. I mean it. There was a Joe McCarthy. There were writers and directors and actors whose words were twisted and who paid a price. Unjust? Yeah. But, does anyone think that Karl Rove/Dick Cheney and the rest of that cabal are not capable of something similar if the restrictions could be removed.

So, when I find myself very passionate and with the keyboard in front of me, I have begun to pause. And that makes me sick.

Anonymous said...

Hey ghg. Chill, man. It's all good.

steve said...

whatever

Anonymous said...

Cousin Jeff...Huh? Send me some of what you were smoking when you posted your comment. I enjoy tuning into strange frequencies, too. And Gregg, what you are sensing is not paranoia...you are gleaning a portent of the (perhaps near) future. You are being prescient. I'm afraid our future bodes ill for lots of reasons, but a big one is a dearth of leadership from on high. The average nincompoop can see more clearly than our leaders can.

cindy said...

two more "keywords" that alarm the beejesus out of them...clinton and obama. i can just hear the warning bell ringing.