Friday, January 09, 2009

Happy New Year From Father Farken

This is a special guest blog from Father Ferhgus Farken. The good Padre is an ordained minister of the gospel, presently living in New Jersey.

"OH NO! NOT CLOWN SHOES!"
Johnny*Burnette!!! Bless me Sputnik for I have sinned! In my New Year's sermon I told my congregation That the economy was so bad that I partied like it was 1929! I was about to credit the SPUTMEISTER but all that laughter...well it caused me to gloat instead... as if I had an original thought! Forgive me my good friend! I owe you big!

The New Year's party @ St Louis reminded me that there is a lot of room for song & dance in Catholic, Eastern Orthodox & Jewish theology. Matter of fact its a sin not to enjoy the presence of others. True spirituality is life affirming....Calling us to be fully human & fully alive. Hell is the absence of love...Heaven is where G*d's Love reigns. Like singing Danny Boy to the GREAT MONSIGNOR CLUNAN. (My favorite versions of DannyB are sung by Elvis Presley, Jackie Wilson & Mario Lanza but I'm sure Randy's rendition is right up there. Never heard Carl sing it!) And Clunan! Well he was like an uncle to me! My good friend Ernie Pecker did a charming painting of the old saint. By the way! Did the good monsignor lead the Love Train? Which reminds me... I meant to mention something in your last blog (which dealt with homosexuality)!

I took some courses @ Memphis Theological Seminary & my professor of Church & Culture challenged us..."To love others! You've got to spend time with them". He had us dress up as homeless paupers & go begging on Beale St. with the poor. (I made a butt-load of beer money that night but I don't recommend sleeping on the sidewalks in front of Silkey's!) The late Dr. Paul Brown assigned McGirk & me to go to a gay bar some where near SUN RECORDS(This was in 83) & give a report the next day! I confess I didn't want anyone to recognize me so Shecky McGirk & I dressed up like clowns thinking we were incognito. Every thing was going alright till I had to go to the restroom. This guy follows me in & stands right beside me & sez " I couldn't help noticing the shoes!" (Me big ass clown shoes) Then he starts staring at me privates & sez while shaking his head "All shoes & nothing to show for it!" I thought this was no time to be competitive. Then I hear all this moaning...I turn around & there were about 12 guys doing the weirdest love train I have ever seen...they all had their pants down below their knees holding on to dear life to the person in front of them! They were all connected! This was no Little Eva's Locomotion! It was more like a Boo foo choo choo! It was not pretty! To be honest! I got the hell out of there before that LOVE TRAIN ran over me! Then I find my way to the bar only to discover that its open mike night & Shecky Kierkegaard McGirk is singing the worst version of Danny Boy that I have ever heard! Thank G*d Clunan wasn't there to hear that!

In my report the next day I disagreed with the professor. When you are in love...love is blind. When you are serving in a soup kitchen...Love has no nose! When it comes to loving our brothers of a different orientation...stay away from that boo foo choo choo...for it might make one a wee bit judgemental...let us not forget... we all fall short. Love unconditionally!The Peace of the Lord! Fr.FerghusFarken

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 12:51:00 AM CST

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, Yes, "Smile on your Brother, Let's love one-another".

As the Hardest Work'in Man said:
Good G*d Good-G-d

Ballet said...

They are often required in certain classes. For most ballet classes, a black leotard and pink tights is the required attire for every dancer that participates in the class. Jazz, tap, and modern classes are more lenient with their clothing options and often allow the use of many styles and colors. The most well-known makers of dance clothes include Capezio, Body Wrappers, Eurotard, Leo's, Danskin, Bal Togs, Bloch, and Mirella. If you are taking any dance classes, you may want to check these stores online first.

ghg said...

Father Ferghus Farken---I'll bet that your congregation can't wait to see you every Sunday. Having read your comments in the past on Randy's blog and found them witty and smart, I have to say you've really shown us some extra brightness this time. Choo choo, indeed.

A wonderful new year to yee. Glow on, great steed of rationality. Nothing else makes much more sense.

All Memphis Music said...

Speaking of Johnny Burnette, I heard form Rocky Burnette that his mother had recently died. Sad. I sure love the Rock N Roll Trio!!

Anonymous said...

Great idea Randy, what a guy you are.Share the wealth. This Farken guy is so funny, is he real? Your blog is so much fun and very informative, what else you got?

Anonymous said...

Father, spare us the imagery of things like the 'love train'. My brain is seared with the thought. I may need some sort of an exorcism. The deeds done in darkness need not ALL be brought to light. If you think so, why not rig some sort of two way mirror in the bottom of a bar toilet. We could then see brown bombs dropped up close and personal. I use hyperbole to make a point. Some things are better left in private.

SIREEN said...

My dear Mr. or Mz. Ballet! Have you never read the Bible? Our Lord & Saviour chased down the money mothers who tried to turn his Father's house into some sort of Sam's Club! And you selling those damn skin tight Eurotards on Randy's Bleeding Heart Blog! Eurotards hell! You are Retard-ed! Now Sputnik is trying to showcase the good Fr. Farken & you are trafficking in Eurotards! That is pathetic! Now my mama wore skin tight outfits but that was different because she was a premere Mid-South Lady Wrestling Champion... The Black Pantheress & she told me how the dear Fr. Farken was such a great help to her in her time of trial! It seems she had an affair with some Memphis rock and roll Sun Record recorder. Not Elvis or Carl...someone a little lower down the rock-a-billy chain... but most talented! But when it came time for a little commitment he dropped my moma like a greasd pig in heat! She was so broken hearted that she body slammed this Sun recording scoundrel right there in that Midtown Memphis bar...The Hot Air Baloon. She got him in a leg lock around his oversized brainiac noggen..telling him that this was the closest he would ever again get to her lower extremities! He was last seen in front of Sun Recording Studio...sitting on the curb with Dewey Phillips.."waiting for Elvis!" My moma sure troubled his head! That is where Fr. Farken comes in. That precious priest helped my moma get over her broken heart filled with such pain. anger and resentment & helped my precious mother forgive that no good bastard of a rock & roll singer...that stole 4 or 5 of the best years of my dear mother's life.And to that fool who said that Fr. Farken was too graphic about that weird ass love train. You are just crazy! Ferghus just threw out the dots. You are the dumb ass with the dirty mind that connected them. There! I said it! Thank you Jesus! Yours Truly!
SIREEN

Anonymous said...

Father Farken did indeed throw out the dots in living color and anyone smarter than a brass pig is able to connect them. Apparently and by your own admission that leaves you out, Sireen. You claim that only someone with a dirty mind could have construed the situation as something other than what it was. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.

SIREEN said...

Well bless me Anonymous for now I have sinned and I haven't even pissed off a caucasian in about three months. I was doing so good! DAMN! I forgot how easy it was to tighten up the backside of people who go by the name Anonymous! Now!Here's the thing! Father Farken was on assignment & he was to report to his seminary class the next day! Now would you gloss over (as a reporter} these twelve men behaving badly in the restroom of a gay bar in Memphis, Tn. Hell No! "Oh by the way class there were some men doing the love train in the Gentlemen's Room!" No! No! Here's the facts! There were 12 men getting butt ugly in the Stinky House and I am sure he thought that this was disgusting! But what is more disgusting is that you have to keep bringing this up making everybody visualize over & over this thing that the good reverend called the boofoochoochoo or something crazy like that! Fr, Farken was trying to get across the radical call to unconditional love but once again you have turned this whole damn thing into a Hate Crime of sorts!I hope you are happy being a devisive force on Mr.Haspel's Blog & screwing up Fr. Farken's debut. In His Service! Most truly yours!
SIREEN

SHECKY KIERKEGAARD MCGIRK said...

See & hear Catholic High of Memphis' own Johnny Burnette sing CLOWN SHOES on youtube! Did you know Red West put a hurten' on him? OH NO! NOT CLOWN SHOES!

Anonymous said...

Uh, Sireen, when you point a finger three others point back to yourself. I noticed that you brought race into your commentary. Isn't that interesting. Why in the world would you do a thing like that? The whole thing began as a tongue-in-cheek, spare us the lurid details comment to Father Farken. It was not a comment to be taken too seriously. And you brought up race and turned a harmless jibe into a controversy. And you call me divisive. It just goes to show that we are always guilty of what we condemn in others. I hate to have to be the one to bring a little light into your darkened mind. And before you get hysterical, I do not use the word 'darkened' in a racial sense. In this instance the word refers to intelligence. And if you are an emissary of peace and unconditional love, you need to be retooled before you go any further. I mean all of this in a constructive way, so put up your straight razor. I don't want to get 'mah haid cut' over this issue.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to say that I am a big fan of Father Farken's and look forward to what he has to say. I take his words to heart because I think that he is the real deal. So, I will apologize to him, and to Randy, and the other readers for this unfortunate misunderstanding. Maybe we should back up, take a deep breath, and start over. And I apologize to Sireen for the sarcasm. Can't we all be friends? Does every comment here have to be run by the thought police? I was stunned by Sireen's comment. I felt bushwhacked by something that I never meant. I don't know why Sireen went on the attack. I guess what we have here is a failure to communicate effectively. Why not ask for a clarification before attacking. If this had been done in Bush's regard we may never have had the Iraq war.

SIREEN said...

A THOUSAND APOLOGIES to Randy, Fr.Farken, Ballet, Mr. Anonymous and to the whole Born Again Hippie Community for losing control and making a complete JackAss of myself... offending everyone on sight. I knew that I was losing it when I started frothing through my grinding teeth and pecking & pounding on my computer keyboard all cross-eyed... using only my bleeding middle fingers! I was rushed to the Emergency Room Friday night because of exhaustion...that and a strange reaction from the Prozac, Cold Duck & Van Gogh Vodka that didn't mix well with the diet & pain pills...uh... that... and the Jaegermeister. I am recovering quite nicely. To make peace with Ballet I am wearing black leotards & pink tights even as I write. I feel my dear mother would approve. I look just like her! But I must bring reconciliation to Mr. Anonymous whose last post reduced my anger to mere tears of repentance. Thank you Jesus!. As a teacher in the Memhis City School System (I teach Social Studies, Ethics & African American History as well as Coach little lady basketball, softball & wrestling!) I have been trying to change the world into a better place for everybody...but I feel overworked, underpaid & underappreciated and plus the economy...well...you know about the economy!....and when I started thinking about how that Slim Whitman Wannabee slighted my good mother... anger started building up inside of me & when you said that comment about putting a 2-way mirrors in the crapper watching brown bombs! I went Ballistik but what you didn't know is that I had just returned from a Colonoscopy in which I neglected to fast...and as the saying goes...the camera does not lie! How do you spell TSU!NOM!MI! Talking about brown bombs!It put me in a terrible position. I don't even like to talk about it! So Since Fr. Farken lives in Jersey I will just haul my ass down to Frayser Tn. to see Fr. Knight for some heavy-duty counciling & attitude adjustment. For Mr. Anonymous is right..that we are always guilty of what we condemn in others! I find my self guilty! I beg your forgiveness once again. There I said it! In His Service!Yours truly!
Sireen

Father Farken said...

Randy! Thank you for allowing me to be a guest blogger. I am not worthy to be under your roof but you said but the word & here I am. Thank you my good friend! My heart goes out to Anonymous 1/09/09 12:30PM (He is right! I shared way too much information!) and to Sireen... a much speedy recovery.
Just last week I was asked by Mr. Phil Puhnosa to have a Blessing of the Animals Service at the petting zoo at his local country store in Chester, NJ. The service went well! He has goats, pigs, donkeys and a humongus buffalo named Beaulah & we just had a big old time. Nothing embarassing happened to sear the minds of my peeps...but I could not help notice that ol' Beaulah the buffalo was walking bowlegged on her hind legs as if her arse was sore! Sure 'nough Beaulah backed up to The fence post & started rubbing her arse up & down the post & then she rubbed her arse side to side of the post...just as if she was Monsignor Clunan giving me the Benediction! I felt sorry for Beaulah so I ran down to the pharmacy to see Dr.Fekelstein & I asked him, "Doc! If you had an arse the size of a buffolo and it itched so badly that you rubbed your backside up against a fence post what would you do?" His mouth dropped ...Then enlightenment struck! He sez,"Monkey Butt!"I sez," No! Buffalo Butt!" "No anti-Monkey Butt Powder!" He told me to get the powder but he also gave me this Industrial Streghth anti-Monkey Butt Spray for the One! Two! Punch! That would do the trick! I made my way back to Puhnoso's store & I sneeked down by the fence where Beaulah's arse was right in my face. I powdered her backside quickly & then I got out the Industial Spray & I let It rip! It must have gone way up the kazoo because she let's out this thunderous SNORT & it was as if old Beaulah sprung out of the starting blocks of the Kentucky Derby and BAM! runs smack dab in the oak tree in the middle of the petting zoo & knocks the poor buffalo flat on his already sore arse! I almost killed the old beast...but if I'd a killed her! I would have killed her with kindness! I am so happy to report that Beaulah is alive & kicking & her arse & my soul are at peace! Which brings me to this point my dear, sweet Sireen... that saying KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS is a lot like LOVE IS THE GREATEST REVENGE... which really isn't revenge at all but the beginning of the journey of unconditional love! If we always respond to those who hit us the wrong way with revengeful anger...its going to destroy us faster than its going to hurt them! There are plenty of scriptures from the Jewish Bible as well as from Jesus & the Apostle Paul to make this come to light but this is not my pulpit! Sireen! We are in this journey together! We're cut from the same cloth! NOW! WHERE DID I PUT THAT MONKEY BUTT POWDER? The Peace of the Lord! May G*d(?) truly bless you! www.antimonkeybutt.com Fr. Ferghus Farken