Sunday, November 29, 2009

Full Contact Shopping

When my email in-box became filled with ads from every merchant with whom I've ever purchased a book or candle, offering steep discounts and free shipping, I knew that the holiday shopping season had arrived in earnest. Before the turkey had even been digested, every news outlet was talking about Black Friday. I understand the day after Thanksgiving is when retailers are supposed to "go into the black," but as a history buff, I can't help but think of the original Black Friday on Oct. 25, 1929, when the stock market crashed, precipitating the Great Depression. That day, it wasn't merely prices that were falling, it was raining stockbrokers. Nonetheless, I suppose I managed to save around three hundred dollars this Black Friday just by staying in bed.

The news footage of the crowds that camped out in front of big box stores and rushed the entrances at dawn was enough to discourage me. Police were called to restore order at a local Toys R'Us when a crush of people caused one female shopper to begin waving a taser in the air and threatening those around her to back up. Voices could be heard saying, "Don't tase me, Ho, Ho Ho." I've been informed that people wait all year for these "doorbuster specials." They get the family involved and plot out strategies and logistics, and were it not for the early-bird sales, many could not afford these gifts at other times. As for me, fighting a frenzied mob of aggressive shoppers at 5AM for an electric, Japanese hamster sounds only slightly less appealing than dipping my face in the deep-frier at Wendy's.

Then comes "Cyber Monday," a recent creation to encourage online shoppers to begin early so they don't end up at "Glitch Thursday," when the retailer screws up your order, it doesn't arrive in time for Christmas, and you end up giving your loved one a catalog photo of the gift they were going to get. Even though you run the risk of receiving that late season post card telling you the great bathrobe you ordered for Mom is presently out of stock, I still shop online ever since I noticed that people don't know how to behave in public anymore. The jostling crowds, the slow walkers and cell-phone talkers, the indifferent clerks and rude cashiers had turned Christmas shopping into a two Xanax event. Online, the need for human interaction is unnecessary, which some may think is contrary to the spirit of the season, but it also reduces the chances of contracting the swine flu. That's why the hottest holiday gift this year is Purell Hand Sanitizer.

Speaking of "holidays," I would expect the opening volley of the annual "War on Christmas," sponsored by Fox News, to go off any day. Usually, Bill O'Reilly kicks things off about a conflict over a creche at the post office somewhere, or some such symbolic thing. I heard a woman say last season that if a merchant wished her "Happy Holidays," instead of "Merry Christmas," she would void her sale and take her business elsewhere. I don't suppose a delicatessen was on her list of shops, but isn't that attitude a bit like the Taliban? Since my neighbors think I'm strange anyway, I was thinking of erecting a large, inflatable Ganesha, the Hindu Elephant God, in the front yard. I mean, anybody can blow up a Walgreen's Frosty the Snowman, but Ganesha is the "remover of obstacles." I heard that my rabbi doesn't approve of Jews having Christmas trees, but we're getting by on a technicality since our tree isn't even real and folds up in the attic the rest of the year. Since we're a bi-tradition home, I always get out the acrylic, electric Chanukah menorah, where, on each of the eight nights, you switch on another pastel-colored bulb. I am, after all, a Reform Jew.

I wish I could get more exited about Hanukkah, but it's a minor holiday commemorating a military victory in the 2nd Century BCE, that paled against the festiveness of Christmas as a child. While our Christian friends were given bicycles and ponies, we were getting mesh bags of chocolate coins to celebrate the miracle of one day's worth of Temple oil lasting for eight nights. As far as miracles go, I thought the "Let there be light" one was far more impressive. If it were a holiday of great significance, you would think that after two thousand years, they could agree on how to spell it. It was, however, the world's first holiday celebrating energy conservation. I saw one catalog selling the ultimate in mixed-faith metaphors; the Chanukah spinning top, called a "dreidel," with pictures of Santa on the sides. Could this be a sneaky attempt at conversion, or another Obamanite plot of world-wide ecumenicism?

I know I'll radiate a more seasonal glow as the time draws nigh, then on Christmas day I can erupt in good cheer like an overstuffed Pinata. The family will gleefully unwrap our presents and hunker down for Blue Tuesday, when everybody exchanges everything they received for store credits and gift cards. When all the carolling stops, no one wants to miss an after-Christmas bargain. Until then, the traffic is impossible, the crowds are surly and pushy, and I'm having a difficult time adjusting to life in a world without Ed McMahon. Ask not for whom the jingle bell tolls; especially if you're Dick Clark. "Hiyo!" And, is it alright to say "happy holidays" if you're referring to Lincoln's Birthday, Valentine's Day, and Passover? Finally, why do people pray on Good Friday, but shop on Black Friday? It's not a riddle, I'm just asking. Now get out there and help heal this sick economy by joining our new, grass-roots, holiday initiative, "No electric gerbil left behind."

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Randy,
you haven't left the house in 6 months. How would you know how the crowds are?
a friend

Anonymous said...

Randys wife leaves the house every day and tells him everything. What wife doesn't ? But he is spot on about the pushy and bitchy folks out there, I should know, I'm a little shop girl too. HO HO HO all ya'll pushy people.

Anonymous said...

I started wishing people a "Sassy Saturnalia."

After all, it is the winter solstice Roman holiday the Christians usurped for their Christmas. Otherwise we'd be celebrating Christmas in the summer, when most religious scholars believe Jesus was born.

Plus, nobody could build a road like those Saturn worshipping (among others) Romans. So, Sassy Saturnalia, ya'all.

Anonymous said...

A story from one neighbor who does not think you are strange....
Last year I visited the Collierville Square and dropped into Hewlett & Dunn to purchase a warm knit hat. As I approached the cashier I heard him tell the woman before me that since she said "Merry Christmas" she would receive and extra 10% off her purchase. Being a good reformed jew I said "Happy Holidays" and...crickets chirping ...nothing. I asked why no extra 10% off and was told that it was about "Christ" and only the utterance of "Merry Christmas" would receive the bonus. I declined to continue my purchase and after declaring exactly what I thought about this practice including something about not realizing Collierville was in Germany, left the store. I proceeded to walk the Town Square discussing the incident with merchants. Most expressed dismay but upon checking, the practice was alive and well a week later.
Sigh...give me the good old days of racism and bigotry...you knew the enemy, they didn't hide behind the cross...well except for the KKK.

Anonymous said...

AMERICAN GHRISTMAS IS SAID WHEN 50% OF ALL BATTOIES ARE SOLD...A TIME WHEN PEOPLE WAX OVER THEIR GENOROUS OFFERS TO EACH OTHER.....DRINK ABD EAT HEAVILY TO SUBDUE AND EXCELERATE THEIR DEPITE AND DISLIKE FOR OTHER VISITING FAMILY MEMBERS..... THEIR EFFORTS BREMMNG AS IF FORSED ON THEM LIKE A CHEAP SPARKELING WINE... SET TO REKINDEL ANCIENT FEUDS OVER ANCINT FAMILY WILLS AND PROPERTY LINES...JUDGE THUMBS UP WITH SINACAL PRIDE THEIR INTOLORANCE OF THE OUT OF DATE HUMAN VALUES OF LOVE , PEACE,TRUTH ,RIGHIOUSNESS ,NON VIOLENCE ANG MUTUAL REPECT AND TALK A GOOD GAME OF FEAR OF THE MAYAN CALENDER END IM 2012...... AND ALL OF THIS JUST INSIDE THE DOOR IM THE COFFE SHOP OF THE FACTORY OUTLET MALL....SWEET AND LOW FOR ME PLEASE....LOVE THAT AMERICAN SACIRIN!!!

Anonymous said...

After the era of hippiedom and its emphasis upon tolerance, acceptance, goodwill, simplicity, and the shunning of gross materiality, it has been a shock to me to see our culture descend to the grossest materiality imaginable, a de-emphasis on spirituality, and extreme discourtesy and ill-will in the public domain. I now believe that we old hippies just put a smiley face on our human nature for a while and now we have gone back to being the selfish, hateful assholes we have always been. And, it will get worse. So, you get 5 stars on your critique of the seamy side of the holidays.

SIREEN said...

LISTEN TO YOU PREACH ON MR. SPUTNIK! THE THING IS.... YOU KNOW THAT THINGS ARE WAY OUT OF KILTER IF THE GREATEST ACTIVE ATHELETE OF OUR TIME WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN THIS HOLLIDAY SALES BLOW-OUT BLITZ THINGAMAWHATZIT THAT AT TWO-THIRTY IN THE MORNING THAT DAMN BAZILLIONAIRE TIGER WOODS CRASHES HIS BLACK CADILLAC SUV & HIS SKINNY BLACK & WHITE & YELLOW MULTI-CULTURED AMERICAN ASS THROUGH HIS GATE & INTO HIS NEIGHBOR'S FIRE HEIDRIN WHERE HIS WIFE HAS TO BASH OUT THE BACK WINDSHIRLD JUST TO LIBERATE WOODS SO HE CAN ROLL AROUND IN MISERY ON HIS LAWN CURSING THE HEAVENS ALL BECAUSE HE IS TRYING TO BE THE FIRST FOOL THERE AT THE WAL*MART BLACK FRIDAY SALE GETTING HIM SOME DAMN XBOX 360 BATMAN GAME OR SOME SILLY BULLSHIT! SHHHHIIIIIIII-IIIII! WHERE IS JESUS IN ALL DAT? THERE I SAID IT! AND IF THAT FOOL AT HEWLETTE & DUNN DON'T GIVE ME A BONUS FOR SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS I'LL BREAK HIS BLEEPING TURKEY NECK! YOURS TRULY! SIREEN

Shecky Kierkegaard McGirk said...

Sireen! Give Tiger a break! He is one of us (men that is!). It was just a family feud! His wife was so mad at him for passing gas at the family Thanksgiving Dinner that she was chasing his ass around the house with a golf club! Poor fellow he was just trying to get the hell out of there! He runs to his car for solitude...listening to Michael Buble' and she comes after him like Jack Nicholson in drag in a "Here's Johnny!" moment bashing in the windshield! Couples go through that all the time...maybe on a smaller scale! Maybe they need to see Dr. Toboggan(sp?)!Best to all! SHECKY

Zoop Zoop said...

Well, what ELSE would Mrs. Woods be chasing Tiger with? And you know what, I'll bet she was chasing him with a WOOD, and not an IRON. Nice pun, huh? Wow, I'm hot tonight...

Listen, you want to hear another one? A real rip-snorter! See there's this Jewish kid, and he's all upset because he's the only one in his class who doesn't have a Christmas tree, being Jewish and all, and he's sulking around, feeling sorry for himself, and his mom goes and gets this little shrub, and calls it a "Chanukah Bush", and she calls up the rabbi to come over and say a "brucha" over it, to make it legal, you'll pardon the expression. But the rabbi, he's orthodox, see, and he says, "Absolutely not! The boy has to realize who he is. I cannot countenance this, under any circumstances!"

So she goes to the conservative rabbi, who says, "Sorry, I can't help you. There are some things that we can relax, but here I draw the line."

So she goes to see the reform rabbi, and says, please, can you come over and say a 'brucha" over the Chanukah Bush? And he says, "Of COURSE, he can have his Chanukah Bush! Why should he be made to feel isolated and conflicted during this festive season? Go have your Chanukah Bush, 'geh gezunt', and enjoy it in good health!"

"By the way, Mrs. Mermelstein," he said, as she was leaving, "what's a 'brucha'?"

Where do I come UP with them? Ich vel im gerub ah chadochas!

And Merry Festivus, everybody...

Anonymous said...

Sex is the most fun that you can have without laughing...Confucius

Anonymous said...

Ms. Woods needs to lighten up. I mean, does she really think that she owns Tiger's pecker? She needs to learn from Obama that she needs to redistribute the(sexual)wealth. Stingy bitch!

SIREEN said...

DAMN YALL ARE BRILLIANT! MAYBE BLONDIE WOODS WACKED OL TIGER IN HIS PIE FACE WITH THAT GOLF CLUB...BLEEDING PROFUSELY... CUZ IT WUZ A CHEATEN' SITUATION (AS THE COUNTRY SONG GOES) OR SOMETHING! THEN TIGER IS ALL EMBARRASSED CUZ HIS WIFE BEAT HIS ASS THAT HE WRECKS THE CAR PRETENDING HE WUZ HURT IN A WRECK SO HE WANT LOOK LIKE SOME SORT A DAMN TIGER PUSS! HMMM. YALL HIPPIES ARE SMART! I GIVE YOU THAT! BY THE WAY...WHAT IS A MUTHA 'BRUCHA'?

Anonymous said...

Tiger's wife exercises tyranny over his penis! Let's start a movement to liberate Tiger's penis. She should be forced to attend a group bunch-hunch in order to learn to loosen up. Or, maybe Tiger should convert to Islam and then he could behead her in the name of an honor killing. Come to think of it, I believe that it is a crime against diversity and multiculturalism not to allow honor killings of bitches in this country. Shame on America! Maybe the liberals should band together and get some pro-honor killing legislation passed. In today's America that should be a cinch, seeing as how we have a Muslim president. And, Michelle had better watch her step for that matter.

Anonymous said...

congratulations. You're comment succeeded in being not only sexist, but racist too. White power!

Anonymous said...

Satire my friend, satire. You need to loosen up, too. There was nothing racist about the satire. And since it was satire, it wasn't sexist either. We need to send you to the humor gulag until you can develop a more balanced viewpoint. Liberals tend to see boogums where no boogums exist. Isn't it uncomfortable being such a tight-ass? I'll tell you like I tell my anal retentive wife...sprinkle a little meat tenderizer around your anus. It will probaly improve your gait when you walk, too.

Anonymous said...

Satire, my friend, satire. You need to loosen up. We'll send you to the humor gulag till you can develop a more balanced point of view. My satire wasn't racist. And, since it was satire it wasn't sexist either. Liberlas tend to see boogums where no boogums exist. Here's a precsription for your overly anal retentive nature. Sprinkle a little meat tenderizer around your anus, then rub your cheeks together. That should also improve your gait when you walk.

Anonymous said...

Someone is either mocking me or plagiarizing me. Stop it!! And, why the reference to white power? I am a mulatto, polysexual animist. White people have no soul, can't dance, and give me the heebie-jeebies. Doesn't that qualify me to be a part of your multicultural world? Parenthetically, I am starting a movement to accept into our culture one-armed, lesbian, pygmy bikers. They are mercilessly discriminated against and have no political clout. I am going to see that that changes. So, don't give me any shit about white power, racism, or sexism, because I am one of you guys.

Anonymous said...

News flash!!! Here is the real reason that Al Gore is so passionate about the Cap and Trade issue. He is part owner of the sole corporation in America that will deal in carbon offsets. He stands to make millions (if not billions) if the bill passes. Talk about a conflict of interests!! He is both a criminal and a hypocrite. I didn't think that liberals were supposed to be so interested in getting filthy rich. Here is one the articles that exposes this travesty:
http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54528 And just think, he is Randy's political hero. You will lose all credibility if you don't do a better job of choosing your heroes.

Anonymous said...

This story is fictitious, but it is the simplest and best illustration of why socialism is always doomed to failure in the end that I have seen. The mystery is why idiots continue to try it. Check this out: http://federalistviews.blogspot.com/2009/04/texas-tech-econ-professor-performs.html
Maybe I should send this to the Democratic Party. But then, if you cast pearls before swine they will trample the pearls and turn and rend you. Tell the truth and you WILL be crucified for it.

Anonymous said...

Good article anon. It reminds me of something that I read a long time ago. A Russian worker was interveiwed and he said that in Russia the people pretend to work and the government pretends to pay them. I think that the article is something of an illustration of this comment. Public education in America is modeled on socialism. An AP calculus teacher makes the same as a PE teacher. Public education in America is going to hell in a hand basket. But what else can you expect from socialism? Our whole economy will do the same. Why do they never learn?

COACH PECKER said...

I think your wrong about Randy and Gore. Sure Randy went to Israel with him and supported A.G. for president but lost a lot of faith in Al as a serious political leader at least two years ago after his arrogant Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech. That and that Al's gone Hollywood! Hero? I don't think so. His heroes are more like Sputnik Monroe, The Beatles. Carl Perkins, Rufus Thomas, Marvin, Bobby Weymouth and Muddy. So lay off my brother A(non)Hole! RJ is my Hero! Now let's go join our Afghanistan friends and go kick some butt!

Anonymous said...

Coach you had better cool it with that pro-military, let's get the Afghans stuff on this blog. You at least must know that this blog is a bastion of liberalism. And, you are wrong about Randy and Al Gore. You must have missed the commentary that Randy wrote a few months ago in which he extolled Al Gore, said that he was an Al Gore man, and was chagrined that Gore didn't become president. Randy could probably tell you which commentary that was if you ask him. I hate to have to rain on your parade. Love and kisses, A(non)hole.

Coach Pecker said...

Hey A(non)Hole!I didn't get that memo! But before I back-peddle I want to ask you a question. Why are you so worried about people pulverizing you! Hell you ain't got nothing to say! Presidents and preachers have taken other's words ...made them theirs(Ask not/JFK;I have a dream/MLK) so they can be our words. They built on the words of others to say something greater! To inspire us! You don't stir our hearts! You stir up a bunch a .... well you know! Now get your ass in gear and let's go out there and support our commander-in-chief and kick some terrorist ass in Afghanistan you weenie!

Coach Pecker said...

Pulverizing...plagiarizing? What's the difference? And what's wrong with a deadline? You have 60 minutes to win a football game! That should fire us up more! Now let's go out there and win this thing before the whisle is blown!

Coach Pecker said...

Whisle...whistle? What's the difference? SSSSSUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEEE!

Anonymous said...

What do you mean by saying 'weenie'? I have never been a pacifist. I think that we should turn all the sand in the Middle East (with the exception of Israel) into glass. We are too PC to get the job done, but the Israelis aren't. I hope that they nuke Iran back to the Stone Age. If we had the balls to use what we have in our arsenal, we could be done in Afghanistan in a few minutes...think nuetron bombs. But America lost its balls a long time ago. We are like the proverbial fool who showed up at a gun fight with a knife. We are the bastion of PC in the world and that is going to destroy us. I am a former liberal who regained his senses. I only admit that on this blog. I look back on my liberal days with shame. But, at least I understand what it means to be self-deceived from the experience. I should be more patient with liberals. It is sort of like working with mentally-challenged people. Wait!! There I go being PC...I meant to say retarded people.

Anonymous said...

Make that neutron bombs...I didn't check my spelling before hitting the 'publish' button.

SIREEN said...

An Offering To Tiger Woods! Well!Well! Well! Since Elen has left the building I have one thing to say to her! DON'T LET THE DOOR SLAP YOU ON THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT! And once again the great white community of America has turned sour against another black celebrity. This time the greatest athlete on the planet! Aaaand only because he can't control his 9iron! Humph! Get over it! That's why I am calling on the greater black community of America to rise up and reach out to our wounded brother Tiger! That white woman and those 7 deadly HOs...oops make that 10...just could not satisfy that ferocious Tiger in the ways of love! To do my part I feel it is my Christian duty to offer my body as a living sacrifice and tame that naughty Tiger into a mere Pussy Cat in order that I may be Mr. Woods one and only African American wife. After all... I am the daughter of the Great Black Pantheress! GRRRRRRRRR! As Mem Shannon says...SWING TIGER SWING!Yours Truly! SIREEN

Anonymous said...

Sireen, you don't even attempt to hide your racism. But that is ok. It would be worse for you to hide it. Come to think of it, how come Tiger only pursues white women? Many black women find that fact insulting and look down on black men who prefer only white women. I don't blame Tiger. He is just following the god of his lower nature, because he knows no higher god. There is an occult practice called sex magic. Maybe Tiger could be a high priest in one of those cults.

Anonymous said...

Obama's self-confessed mentor and father figure, Frank Marshall Davis, was a card-carrying Communist and the most sexually perverted person to walk the face of the Earth. He wrote a book entitled 'Sex Rebel' under the pseudonym Bob Greene, but confessed to its authorship. The book can be read online in PDF format. I read about 15 pages and was horrified at the depth of the author's extreme sexual perversion. There have been claims that Obama is bisexual and the revelation of this book as written by his mentor only adds to the speculation. Here is a link that will introduce you to the topic:
http://www.usasurvival.org/docs/Rpt_Davis_Sex.pdf Like I said before, Obama is a shape shifter. You thought that I was kidding.

Anonymous said...

Here are some excerpts from the book 'Sex Rebel' by Obama's demonically perverted mentor Frank Marshall Davis: http://www.usasurvival.org/docs/Sex_Rebel_Excerpts.pdf No wonder Obama pays millions to keep the records of his past a secret from the American people. The real truth is probably much worse than can be imagined. NO ONE KNOWS THE GUY!!!! All we know is that he is a slick communicator, and that he is the Marxist head of an increasingly Marxist government. Want to take bets on whether or not the country will still be standing after 3 more years of Obama's Marxist rule? I wouldn't bet a dime.

SIREEN said...

Hell Anonomy! All men- white, black or yellow think their pecker is their god and I ain't talking about Coach Pecker or what ever his name is! That's why I am calling all you Peckers to repentance!Sex Magician? What do you think he's pulling out of his hat? You Crazy! Praise Him! Sireen

Anonymous said...

Sireen, well spoken. That was an even-handed response. When you are not mad you make good sense. Most males are guilty and the rest are probably gay. And, I wasn't speaking of ordinary magic. There is an occult practice that is called sex magic. It purports to use sex to attain higher levels of consciousness. You can google it and see for yourself. It's a good thing that I didn't know about this when I was a young heathen.

SIREEN said...

Anonypuss! Jesus says you will know them by their fruit not the fruits in their family or fruitcake professors they had in college that wrote way out sick porno-graphical books under a fictitious name. You probably have a crazy uncle who likes to play hide the rubber ducky or an old acquaintance that has gotten into all sorts of awkwierd & wacky things that are way too despicable to mention! Does that make you a bisexual sex magician? Hell you may be wearing an old overcoat with nothing underneath playing "Now you see it! Now you don't!" for all I know! Man you are studying way to much about evil shit! Eating from the tree of Knowledge of good & evil is what got Adam & the first bitch in all that trouble anyway. God didn't want his best of all creation running around Eden like a bunch of judgemental shit heads! Are you tellimg me if I read all this negative bullshit that you read all day long that I'll be normal just like you!SHHHIIIIT! You crazy! The Apostle Paul tells the flipping Phillipians to get their head out of ther ass with all that evil shit & to get a a good case of the WHATEVERS! Whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, praiseworthy...THINK ON THESE THINGS!(Phil 4:8)There is know bullshit about thinking about sex-magic or thinking about evil-shit! And didn't you read when Father Farken told us to pray for our president! Or were you too busy reading Frank Marshal Davis so you can save our nation from his sex-crazed influence!Paul was telling us we will be known by the good we do not damning all that we think is evil and policing the joint we call Americsa! There I said it! Thank you Jesus! Yours truly! SIREEN

Anonymous said...

Thinking on what is good, pure, true, etc. is certainly of prime importance, but it helps to know what the Enemy of our souls is up to in the everyday world so that you won't be blind-sided when he comes knocking on your door asking for your vote. If you don't know his modus operandi, you may get sucked in by him. By the way, do the rest of the folks that you go to church with use such foul language?

sireen said...

They ain't reading Fn Frank Marshall DAvis1